Vanessa at the End of the World

Finding, Found: Welcome

2009-01-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

Currently in the middle of re-branding my identity. Busy with school, busy with life. Hope to connect with you soon!

Cheers,

Vanessa

nightowl post

2008-02-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

today I felt...

ok.

tonight I feel...

pressured.

Its a bit late, I know, but I cannot seem to sleep. Current to-do list as follows:

x. finish letters to penpals (long hand! how... antique ;P)
x. one last edit for COM 305's paper
x. continue reading articles on feminism for AH 309
x. ink, scan, edit SakuraCon mascot art
x. pay registration for the convention (whoops...)

Other than that, not much else. Tata for now.

[notes]

2007-07-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Grab On to Me Tightly as if I Knew the Way reminds me of Brian, with more twists than he'd be willing to admit. Also, his first job was at Kmart, not a restaurant.

Pieces of plastic lay defeated on my floor. The rest of my bookshelves hold dreams that wish to be sought, advice that wish to be taken, and hopes that wish to be alive.

September looks oh so far away. I'm kind of worried. *sigh*

I hate TV.

I love broiled tofu, soba noodles with dipping sauce, and sleep.

The promise ring feels invisible, yet everyone seems to notice it. Good silver does wonders.

I think too much and do too little. Better change this. meep.

today's mood: bleh.. i'm confused, really.

my eyes! my eyes!

2007-06-25T04:11:00.000-07:00

*checks time stamp*
Yup, that's about right. I've been watching Korean dramas for the past six hours or so; I just cannot stop! This drama is AMUSING! I mean, I could be doing better things like sleeping or reading or drawing or *gasp* those late late late post wedding photos. There are a good 600 photos, plus a random handful of polaroids that I could share with the world, but they're not going up yet. Oh, and when I do post them, they will be completely untouched [except for a choice few] but honestly, THIS WAS A LOT FOR ME. But oh well, moving on -this is why I'm not a paid photographer.

Does insomnia make me drunk or something? I feel like spilling the beans, spilling the milk, do my best to find the golden eggs and moon on my floor. But alas, no such things exist in this crazy reality we call life! *reads previous paragraph* OH YEAH. What was I going to say? Uh huh.

I have the urge to either take a million photos or drop my camera over a cliff and never take another photograph ever again.

I feel.. something. Nothing. everything.
all at once.
its hitting me in a rush.
a need
a want
a desire
to push
to pull
to suck you dry
to capture your good
your bad
your ugly
your reality

i want it ALL
and i can't
seem
to

find it.

but i know its there. that something. its dying to be found.
i wish i were the one to find it and share it to the world
but it can't be me.
oh
no
sir
reee

what is talent
what is skill
who, in the end, lives the best life?

i wish i could start over
i wish things could be different.
but wishing never gets me anywhere.

*stares again at clock*
*stares at dvd player on the dock*

my disc isn't working. episode #7 wasn't meant to be.

night night.

Beauty in the world

2007-06-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

"In the end these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you love?
How deeply did you learn to let go?"
--Buddha

Have you ever considered what is beautiful in the world?

Tell me, have you ever looked at something that everyone thought was ugly or imperfect and realized the beauty in its imperfection?

What part of us tells us that a crack in the cement is ugly or unnecessary? Why must dandelions be pulled out when their yellow blossoms open to greet the sun in glee? What instinct drives us to believe that a scarred face is a thing to scorn? Have you ever thought to see things outside of a pre-judgmental state?

There are so many DETAILS in EVERYTHING! How can you take something at face value and accept it? Such close-minded thinking is what causes pain to begin with. Lack of understanding hurts us all. I believe that there is something beautiful in everything. Maybe its the photographer in me; maybe its the child in me. But to blatantly see the world "as is" is rather ... insulting! There's more to life than meets our little eye receptors and pupils that place information into our hard drive of a brain ;)

Take the time today, on a dreary Monday, to find the beauty in all things ugly and imperfect. Dare to open your eyes, and see things past your rose-tinted lens. You'll be genuinely surprised, if you simply try.

Call me crazy. Perhaps it was the sunshine in Spokane last weekend. Or maybe the quietness of rolling valleys and clouds that looked carved into the sky, each curve accented with shadows that would be sharp to the touch. I dunno. Try something simple yet profound today.

Anyway, have a good one :)

[notes] running late :)

2007-06-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

x. work work work. it'll be worth it.
o. i've officially decided to screw design over for now and focus on that BA so I can go to Japan! They say its pointless to have a BA but it opens doors, it really does, and it really will! I can always go back for design, but I desire to travel. NOW. :)
x. I'm not being true to myself but I've been so indecisive and this upcoming wedding of my cousin's isn't helping me calm down; it seems EVERYONE I know is getting married! Stupid bridal SEASON. ITS A SEASON. LIKE CHRISTMAS! Working opens your eyes.
o. still with the guy. yada yada. no marriage plans in the near future *smirk*
x. I would like to note that I feel like posting but never know what to say. I'm just another girl on the block. Listen to me! You might learn something today!
o. Why is the internet so serious anyway?! I think I'll analyze this ... later!

*muah*

[personal] slightly worse than a full moon

2007-06-06T01:21:00.000-07:00

One of my coworkers left early tonight, and as soon as she did, the swarms came flooding in! Wrap after wrap after phone call after phone call after... well... you get the picture. I was pretty stressed out and worn thin by the end of the night, and that's not always a good feeling. I thought a treat of my moscato d'asti would help but alas! Wine will somehow backfire ;)

Now I'm up still, in a contemplative mood. One of my design/handbag friends recently announced that she needs a new hire for the summer. The job would mostly be production, with little room for actual creative design work. At this point in my life, I would love nothing more than ANY JOB that gets me out of the retail rut and into the world of my dreams. If I really want to own my own design business someday, I might as well start from the ground up in the actual field!! My friend Milisa is still at the Art Institute in Seattle and plans on moving to Idaho to live with Jesse and wants to have a branch of sorts there. I dunno. I still see myself teaching abroad, learning new languages and cultures, and somehow freelancing. Yet at this point, I'm just not designing anything! Its like WHAT IS GOING ON YOU SILLY GOOSE? *sigh*

I've been in a very illustrative mood as of late. I think I just like getting high off of the smell of sharpies. These tokidoki bags just make me wonder about the "what ifs" again, but right now, sleep calls.

Unless I find a sharpie ^_^

[personal] the missing pieces come into play

2007-06-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

I had a nervous breakdown Sunday morning.

Three minutes coming into work, after rushing in flustered like a mother hen looking for her chicks, my manager haggling me and teasing me like she always does on Sunday morning, I snapped. i snapped at her, said one sentence, and then the dams broke loose. Such a horrible cliche, but it is very true. It is the only accurate way to explain the feeling of holding back something you didn't even know was being held back; natural denial defense, i believe. I'm literally standing in front of my stuff on the back gift wrap counter, and I said "I'm not even going to be at the BBQ with my family..." and -crack!- there the dam goes! Kind of foreign for me, to actually feel AND acknowledge the fact that I don't spend time with my family as a whole as often as I used to. And its wearing me out. Not just the lack of art, which is actually easily made up [yay for scraps and sharpies!] and reading easily distracts me, but lack of interaction. Is it because I'm 24 and on the verge of bigger things outside of my youth? I'm finally taking the steps to enter the university in order to get back to Japan for a spell, and reach my goals, and then who knows? The world really seems to be spreading before me, a scene at the shoreline, the ocean beckoning me to ride its waves and never look back.

I'm scared.
I'm [kind of] alone.

But I live. I have to go on.

This state of complacency is eating me alive.

*sigh* That feels good to get out, to recognize what ails me.
Today, even in all this rain, looks like a glorious day.

The birds still sing and I shall smile. :)

[notes] how the full moon hates me

2007-05-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

x. No new Tokidoki bags in at work [cmon in any day spiaggia!]
x. No new Tokidoki bags from SHLSS store yet [mmm olive camo and paradiso <333]
x. No word back yet from UW's employment offices
x. No word back yet from foot doc
x. No word back yet from blood work
x. Customers complained about everything there is to complain about and took it all very personally, thus destroyinig our self-esteems that we have as workers in society and YET! YET! they have the atrocity to spend money online with their credit cards, thinking their information won't have a way of leaking when using "trusted sites"
x. Headache won't go away
x. Can't stop thinking about Dragon Quest VIII and how I'm to level up my team
x. Can't stop thinking about how I want to get a new keyboard. The L button still gives me %$&@!!!
x. Can't wait until this week is done!

That's about it. Yup, yup, yup.

[personal] . . .

2007-05-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

If I cannot see you as we see fit, if we cannot fit as one piece at all times, if we seem to contradict at every moment's embrace...

why do I still love you?

Do I desire these contradictions as a means of finding a way to solve an unsolvable puzzle? To prove the world that anything and everything is possible?

Sometimes I wonder how I would be without you, to this day. Sometimes I wonder the possibilities of paths I could have walked. But alas, it drains me to think of "what ifs" for too long. And too long is usually less than two seconds.

These problems we come across are starting to wear me out. If we cannot find a solution soon, together, then I'm afraid the only solution is to start over, on a blank slate.

Talk to me, please.

Love,
you know who.

boo boo

2007-05-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

I hit Brian in a tender spot.
He gave me the look of death.

...

I never want to see that face ever again.
It is a face that is reserved for all the hatred he seems to never have in his everyday life. How can one live like him? Never really having a care in the world, and the one moment something happens to him, he snaps like a whiplash on the back??? Aka, he's my apathetic boyfriend with a very passive-aggressive view on life. Seems almost bipolar like that.

But then again, what I did was WAY beyond cool. I crossed my line badly.
I got pwned dearly.

*sigh*

What am I doing here?
HONESTLY!!!
*sleeeeeeeeep*

working, working

2007-05-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

I've been working non-stop. Today doesn't get a break either! Running around, gosh, I feel so burnt out! I still need to sew my shell for my cousin's wedding. So it goes! But sewing *is* "me-time" so I can't really complain about it. Anyway! Thoughts later, including some zen. I'm going to bring my "happy zen book" with me to work -gift wrapping actually gets stressful! :P

Not a bad Thursday

2007-05-18T00:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty day, and productive on top of that. Here's the lowdown of the day!

Morning-early afternoon: went to a pattern making class at the Hancock Fabric store. The system was pretty interesting. What appealed to me were the tools he was selling: a tailor's curve and designer's curve. The tailor's curve is for making the correct curves and straight lines for pants and skirts. The designer's curve is for arm holes and all things of tops. Very tempted to purchase them that day, but I know realistically I won't be able to make my dress for another week anyway. Might as well pay off other debts first!

My mother and I went to do a little shopping. I lost track of time, but eventually met up with Teresa for the rest of the afternoon.

Afternoon: First Teresa and I went down to Seattle -south Seattle to be exact, past Quest Field. I needed to go to Arvey Paper supply [everything is at least $2-5 cheaper than retail and their stock was MUCH greater than a little paperzone :P]. I got my ream of Wausau Astrobrights Stardust White for $3 cheaper than retail. Also, invested in a box of A2 sized matching envelops. Overall, I probably saved a good $15 and picked up major extra envelops.

Silly me checked out the reduced paper stock [usually going old] and found some nice neutral writing stock that I can play with for a decent lowered price. Also scored some turquoise N. 6 3/4 envelops! That'll stick out when I send out letters! ^_^

Next stop: return paper items to Paper Zone.

Next stop: Northgate Mall. Macy's -exchanged some tops. B. Dalton: returned a book and got store credit. Had some food. Nothing really thrilling. OK, I take that back. While walking back from the food court, I saw my friend Jeph that used to work at Sears now working in a watch kiosk. WHAT. It was odd. But hey, he was looking happier working there, so I suppose it was a better step in the right direction for him. Nonetheless, ODD *lol*

Early evening: Went back to Teresa's apartment and watched some Fate/ Stay Night vol. 3. Good disc. I'm looking forward to the rest of the series!

Evening: Came home, played on the internet, and had dinner with most of the family [which is becoming a rarity these days -us older kids go out and have lives usually away from everyone].

And now?: More internet playing. Some scrapbooking. And Brian's bed, like always, is trying to convince me to go to sleep! I think I shall take up its offer. Take care!

bedtime thoughts

2007-05-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with cute nylon handbags! Japanese-anime-like characters dancing around, falling in love, causing a ruckus, and overall being playful all over my handbags make me happy. I have lots of tokidoki bags. See?

I get compliments on these lovely bags all the time. Most people gawk at the pricing, but if one thinks about it, its how the economy works. Coach charges an arm and a leg these days. When my mom bought her first Coach bag 20 years ago, it cost less than $50. That's how the world works I guess.

I've found my new hit song of the summer! The lyrics are kind of questionable but that's Maroon 5 for you. "Makes Me Wonder" does make me wonder, but in the end, I just dance around my room (when I clean the floor lol!!!) Pre-ordered the album so in a week I'll have everything in awesome quality on my iPod.

Speaking of the iPod, its dying out. Again. *sigh* What to do? I'm trying to decide between a Zune or some other smaller mp3 player. I want something with a longer battery life, but whoa, hey now, I actually have a Mac [shoot, even Brian has his MacBook]... gah, the good old CD player is now missed. :-(

Comedy Central = LOVE Especially the Colbert Report and the Daily Show. TV is overrated, until you get these talk shows mocking politics, celebrities, the internet, and getting rather amazing guest speakers. Makes me miss cable!

And now for something a touch more personal.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

This is a perfect moment in my life. Brian is doing his theory homework on the bed -while in his pirate boxers *snort* I just finished making notes in my planner, and there's some tv and music in the background. In five, ten years, this picture would mature with me doing some freelance on my own Mac while Brian would be working late in the home studio, mixing tracks and finessing sound stuffs. One will hope that Colbert would stay on the air until he dies, but we'll see how it goes.

Mmmm, sleepy time! Brian is now making me move out of the way so we can go rest. Tomorrow is a big day. Off to Seattle to get some paper stock [i have some stationary ideas], family photo at church [i don't know why i even have to be in the photo, but i'm doing this for my mom really], and then, neh! Not sure what else to do. I know what I can do! CLEAN MY ROOM! and sunbathe with my face covered. Face allergies = not so cool.

Take care!

Zen thought of the day[s] [+weekend]

2007-05-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

*sigh* It takes less than five minutes to make a post about these, and STILL I forget! ah well!
just for my own amusement anyway! <333

10 May

"Zen opens a man's eyes to the greatest mystery as it is daily and hourly performed; it enlarges the heart to embrace eternity of time and infinity of space in its every palpitation; it makes us live in the world as if walking in the garden of Eden."
--D.T. Suzuki

11 May

"If you fail to achieve freedom in this life, when do you expect to achieve it?
--Wu-hsin

12/13 May

"Events and hopes seldom agree. Who can step back does not worry. We blossom and fade like flowers, gather and part like clouds. Worldly thoughts I forgot long ago, relaxing all day on a peak."
--Stonehouse

14 May

"Worldly ups and downs should be treated as lightly as clouds gathering and breaking up."
--Anonymous

15 May

"Delight in meditation and in solitude. Compose yourself, be happy. You are a seeker.
--The Dhammapada

Invisible, yet remembered

2007-05-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not home, so no thought of the day[s]. To be quite honest, I've been rushing life lately, due to missing coworkers, glorified Hallmark "holidays", and overall need to compulsively shop shop shop.

I have a few more scholarships to apply to before enrolling into school, and then once those are sent out in the mail, the next step shall be to get set up at the UW. I feel like I've been working full-time lately; its been making the days go by faster and my time clock go off-kilter. Meep! Not cool! However, as long as it helps me get out of debt so I can start investing while I go back to school, I'll endure this a bit longer. My goals aren't too far away, as long as I keep on walking down this path.

Right?

I went into Morning Glory for the first time in, oh, a year or more today. Just looking around for planner filler paper. The SA/owner remembered me. Then she tried to sell me face cream [my sun allergy hit me again -nasty stuff]. I was actually kind of surprised that she would remember me, considering the time difference but I did spend a lot of my time [and yes money] there during high school. Most people give me the whole "you look familiar" deal, but to actually be remembered, while I've always considered myself another brick against the wall... maybe I've got some interesting graffiti about my brick that causes me to stand out a touch. Who knows? You should tell me.

Hmmm, more later. Off to Broadway with the nerd. Until then,

**V

Never meant for sunshine, but will keep wanting it

2007-05-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

My arms are sunburnt after walking around all day in this wonderful weather. :-O Amazing, since I did put SPF 50 on them before I left the house! Oh dear, oh dear, this sounds much more serious. Could I actually be allergic to summer-like sun?! AI-YAH!

In other news, I have decided that I shall enroll at in the UW's evening program to complete a Humanities degree starting Autumn term. This shall be a great foundation for better things to come! I'm pretty excited about what lies ahead in the future! The advisor pretty much said that I may only have to attend for six quarter if I take a good 10 credits every term, which is all I really need for my BA. I plan on taking Japanese as an elective language while I'm studying, probably at the end of my studies [if I'm not buried in work] or else find a way to finish second year at the college level to get ready to fly on out of here to teach.

Brian is happy that things look good for me, but I can tell that he's still slightly worried about when I leave. *sigh* We'll see what happens when I get to that bridge. First things first!

[personal] today's thoughts

2007-05-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

Compulsive shopping is BAD. Shopping with girlfriends is BAD. Shopping at Ikea is BAD. Compulsive shopping with girlfriend at Ikea is bad news cubed for my pocket indeed.

*snort*

Anyway, I suppose my shopping gratifies me for the time being. Considering I'm stressing out about school and how I'm going to pay for everything, and making every attempt possible to find a better paying job to pay off my rising debts is stressing me out. I've been sleeping badly, due to horrible pillows in our house, but at least the doctor's appointment went OK from what I could tell.

Neh? Neh.

Still working on making myself a better person. Walking does wonders to the mind and suntan. The weather just makes me giddy... and wish I could skip out on work and play all day at the parks. Alas, the bills must be paid, and when school comes around the corner, well, let's all hope for the best on my path to greatness!

And now that I have new vases, there shall be pleasant scents in the air at all times ^_^

... I hate credit cards.

Zen thought of the day[s]

2007-05-09T21:44:00.001-07:00

8 May

"When you are guided by compassion and loving kindness, you are able to look deeply into the heart of reality and see the truth."
--Thich Nhat Hanh

9 May

"The only wisdom we can hope to acquire is the wisdom of humility:
Humility is endless."
--T.S. Eliot

Zen thought of the day

2007-05-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

"Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better."
--Albert Einstein

Zen thought of the day[s] [+weekend]

2007-05-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

4 May

"We can sense the ever-changing waves around us, and breathe and relax. We can rest in the eternal present, the still point. We can learn that no matter what happense, we are home."
--Jack Kornfield

5/6 May

"We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.

Zen thought of the day[s]

2007-05-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

2 may

"Develop a mind that is vast like the water, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle, or harm. Rest in a mind like vast water."
--Buddha

3 may

"Those who have failed to work toward the truth have missed the purpose of living."
--Buddha

Time of day to take notice

2007-05-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

My tummy had the lean cuisine sesame chicken and noodles, lots of salt+pepper potato chips, minestrone soup and green tea. Desert consisted of Rolos.

OK, now that my notes are completed, onto more random thoughts(?)!

+++

I have been with Brian since December 13, 2005. It seems like so long ago, when in reality, its been a mere year and several months. Our relationship has made us domesticated, and it bothers me from time to time. But what to do? At least he is patient enough to deal with my whining and hatred for movies that give me headaches *shrugs*

I'm not quite sure what I wanted to say on here. Nothing thought out, except what I ate so I can put that in my food journal in the morning (its at my home; lovely thing laptops can be!). Going to bed soon; its just about 11:20P and I'll probably pass out shortly. Tomorrow is my other day off for this work week. Might go shopping, will have to bring out resume for possible temp job at the UW.

ARGH! I WANT TO BE BACK IN SCHOOL NOW! I feel so pathetic not learning and growing and challenging myself in intellectual ways! I NEED TO GO TO JAPAN. I HATE HANDBAGS. My feet hurt. Uuuuuuuugh... doctor's appointment: wed may 9. sewing class thingy: thurs may 17. live show with the band: sat may 19. mother's day: may 13, sunday.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I shall rest now.
Zen thoughts to be published later.

Ehehehehe, ciao, ciao!

Zen thought of the day

2007-04-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

"There's harmony and inner peace to be found in following a moral compass that points in the same direction regardless of fashion or trend."
--Ted Koppel

Zen thought of the day [weekend]

2007-04-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

"Clim the mountains and get their good tidiings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the stroms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
--John Muir